More Jokes

[mental]

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

[mental]

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

[mental]

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks
. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

[mental]

An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex.
While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong.
They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again I don't see anything wrong."
This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty bucks. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half!"

[mental]

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much.
The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers.
The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?'
'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

[mental]

I like this one :::::::

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

[mental]

Yo Mamma Jokes :

Yo Mamma is so stupid,
at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.

Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.

Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.


Yo Mamma is so stupid,
I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.

Yo Mamma is so stupid,
her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors.

Yo Mamma is so stupid,
that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."

Yo Mamma is so fat,
The National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued..."

Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she sits on a dollar, blood rushes out George Washington's nose!

Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belly-button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she walks in front of the T.V. you miss out on 3 commercials!

Yo Mamma is so fat,
people jog around her for exercise!

Yo Mamma is so fat,
she makes big bird look like a rubber duckie!

Yo Mamma is so fat,
she plays pool with the planets.

Yo Mamma is so fat,
it took 25 minutes to download a picture of her from the Internet.

[Feon Ante]

A gypsy comes to a man's door and says: "do you have anything old you can dispose of?" And the man replies: "wait a second to call my sister"

[Feon Ante]

A man buys himself a box of Viagra. His parrot, does what he does and eats them all. The man... what should he do with the parrot? He puts it in the freezer to cool and forgets bout him. Several hours later he remembers about the poor parrot. When he opens the door of the freezer he finds the parrot all sweated out... " what's up, you are in the freezer for hours and you sweat? " "you have no idea how hard it is to spread the legs of these frozen chickens..."

[Feon Ante]

A girl goes to the pet shop and asks: " do you have and cute bunnys?" The heart of the seller suddenly melts. he sits by the girl and asks her: "do you want a cute white one or a fluffy black one? Or maybe the playfull one over there?" The girl goes red [i didn't know how to translate this sorry], swings on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, tilts forwards and whispers: "I think my python doesn't give a fuck which one!"

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